Every year come Christmastime, countless poor souls receive presents from parents and brother or sisters and kids who have definitely no concept what to get them, presents they will either literally never ever use or, at best, will fiddle around with precisely when right after they open them, only to tuck them back into whatever box they can be found in and push them into a closet. Fitting directly into this classification are the items pitched by ForeverSpin ™, a business that makes fancy, ridiculously costly spinning tops virtually guaranteed to end up under a shit ton of trees this year, thanks to a digital advertising campaign launched full-force a week prior to Christmas.

The tops, which are generally identical to the one Leo DiCaprio uses in Creation, start at $38, and boost in rate based on the metal they’re made from. There’s the 24- karat gold one (” an ideal desk ornament”), noted at $68; there’s the Damascus steel one (” one of a kind, like you!”), listed at $98; and after that, at the top of the heap, is the tungsten one (” the spinning masterpiece”), which goes for the low, not-at-all outrageous price of $195

Who would ever want among these? What’s the point? Why the hell are they so costly? ForeverSpin ™ has tried to answer all of these questions and more, to numerous degrees of incoherence and syntactically psychopathic word-mashing. Here are a couple of golden nuggets from its site:

• ” Every spinning top that leaves our hands to enter into your life– and we imply every single one– is developed on the exact same belief: that a top is more than simply a toy. That, above all, a leading need to be absolutely basic, sophisticated and created forever.”
• “According to recent studies, adjusting items at your desk can help believed process and improve performance!”
• ” Maybe you require a little boost in imagination or focus, or you need to de-stress a bit. Maybe you’re in search of a present that lasts forever or want to compare weight and touch various metals. Or you simply like a bit of competitors or you enjoy minimalistic art. Engineers, kids, designers, collectors … No matter how old, how smart and how wise you become there will be something in it for you Permanently.”
• ” Your spinning top will permanently stay a timeless, classy art piece that will be loved by your children’s kids.”

If all that isn’t sufficient to encourage you that you requirement a dreidel with no sides constructed of rose gold, ForeverSpin ™ created a glitzy video showing off all the ways their tops can bring delight into your life. Spin them at the office! Spin them in a bizarre, small classroom in which four specially picked students study the physics of spinning tops! Spin them at an ill party where a lot of twentysomethings just loaf a table and … spin tops!

The fun does not stop there: You can purchase an elegant gold base to spin your top on for $68, or a brass dock that holds up to 5 tops for $67 If you’re in some way convinced you desire all of these things, and a considerable amount of tops to choose them, you can acquire something called a MetalMuseum ™–10 tops and two docks, all for just 475 genuine United States dollars.

May all of us take pity on the idea-strapped 20- year-old who buys among these things and offers it to their stepbrother, required to annoyingly explain why they got it for him. (” I understand you enjoyed Creation, and this is basically that thing Leo has, just it resembles really good and, uh … have you become aware of that new Christopher Nolan movie?”) If you take place to be that regrettable stepbrother, welp: Sorry man. Better luck next year.

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